Complaining Negatively Rewires Your Brain (But Gratitude Can Bring You Back)

Did you know most people complain once per minute in conversation? That’s because negativity is as common as the cold, but not everyone lets complaining control the conversation.

We get it — there’s plenty to be upset about. Life is hard, but complaining only makes it worse at a certain point (very quickly). And while venting frustration may feel good at first, neurons in the brain grow closer together each time you do it, building a bridge that makes it a little easier to cross over to complaining. It can get to the point you may not realize you’re doing it, similar to the constant dopamine drip you’ve grown accustomed to getting when you receive likes on social media or you hear the sound of an incoming text. It just becomes part of your daily habit.

We know that negative fortune-telling is bad for our inner dialogue, but complaining not only rewires your brain, which can potentially lead to brain damage, it also depletes your cortisol levels — the hormone that sends you into fight or flight mode– and when your body is stressed, it redirects energy, oxygen and blood away from other systems so it can fight where it’s needed, kind of like when you’re exhausted as your body tries to fight off infection. Simply, negative thinking can make you feel sick.

Toxic-Distancing: Are You Man Enough to Step Back From Toxic Friends?

Times like these, it’s never been easier to complain. Unemployment, homelessness, and racial tensions are all at new highs, while the economy, our ability to pay rent and the quality of life appear to be at all-time lows. Anyone could make a full-blown hobby out of complaining in a time where there’s no end of things to complain about. It starts small but quickly it begins to affect those closest to you, and it’s highly infectious to people who are forced to absorb that negative energy. But who can stand that for long?

Solutions are found in looking towards the positive. That’s why people say it’s good to surround yourself with positive people. You’d much rather be infected by good vibes and people who are more focused on solutions than problems, people who use words like “empathy” more than “enemy.” So while complaining may be synonymous with negativity, solutions can be synonymous with positivity, and solutions are what we’re in need of right now, locally and globally.

Basically, stop complaining. It’s only making things worse.

More Man Enough: Roll the Dice and Transform Your Life (If Not Now, When?)

Gratitude, conversely, is complaining’s worst nightmare. Gratitude has been studied by neuroscience to have strong effects on anxiety, negativity and even grief. If gratitude had an evil twin, it’d be complaining, which means if you’ve been labeled a complainer or feel consumed by negativity throughout your day — short fuse, big temper, quick to anger — then gratitude is the antidote you’re looking for.

Before you go down the long-winded road of anti-depressants, first try this. It’s actually simple, painless and takes all of about 15 seconds. Best of all, it’s free and unlimited.

Rewire Your Rewire

Psychologists have described the “happiness exercise” as a great way to find gratitude that not only brings in happy thoughts to replace negative ones, but it’s a great habit to get into that can rewire your brain back towards positivity. It’s like your morning coffee that gets your brain going when you wake up, except without the need to pee all day.

Several studies in the last decade have measured the effects, finding that people who count their blessings on a daily basis tend to be happier. It puts space between toxic emotions that can cause toxic manifestations, but even better, you don’t have to share your gratitude if you don’t want to (although we recommend trying it from time to time). The more you practice gratitude, the more likely you are to appreciate things and people around you, which, again, sounds a lot like what we’re in dire need of right now.

3 Good Things

The happiness exercise psychologists recommend for daily gratitude only takes about three minutes, but it could be as easy as 15 seconds. All you have to do is think of three simple things that went well today before you go to sleep. Sit with each one for a minute and ruminate on it. Writing down ideas can only help strengthen those positive vibes, and you can read them again when you wake up, but the idea is to keep it simple and remain grateful for what you do have, as opposed to the things you want that you don’t have, which might be a source of complaining.

Whether it’s your mother, a perfectly ripe mango, the feeling of sand on your feet, a nice walk with your dog, having a woman you trust nearby, the sounds of crickets at night, stars in the sky, whatever feels right in the moment, write it down and be grateful.

The 3 easy steps to ‘3 Good Things’:

  1. Think about your day, consider the good things that presented themselves.
  2. Write down three things you’re grateful for, anything at all.
  3. Sit with each one for a moment and consider how they made your day better.

And if you’re struggling throughout the day with negative and find yourself on the verge of a good complaint, stop and think about three things that are working for you in the moment, even if it feels like nothing is working. Maybe both your shoes are tied, or even the fact you have shoes at all. Keep it simple. Keep it sweet. And quit your complaining.

That’s what the holidays are for (wink).

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Roll the Dice and Transform Your Life (If Not Now, Then When?)

Everywhere you turn, people are struggling in the world. Out of work, low on food, terrified to get groceries, unable to squeeze a loved one, stuck inside with nothing but a binge box for four straight months, and perhaps it’s only just begun. So what are you going to do? How long are you going to complain about it before you do something about it?

Maybe that’s all not well and true, but perhaps we’ve spent enough time focusing on the bad news, which is nothing new at this point. The world is grieving — this is not to belittle that — but we have our marching orders. Put on the mask, practice safe distance and care for one another in the ways you can, but there has to be a turning point amidst all this chaos where our perspectives change for the better.

Yes, we’re low on income and food, but maybe we’ve been consuming too much and can learn to do more with less. Yes, it’s terrifying to go to a crowded grocery store, but maybe it’s time you supported the local market and small farmers who need help, too. Yes, we’ve run out of TV to binge on until sunrise, but maybe it’s time we got up at that hour and went for a walk while the summer sun is upon our faces. Things are tough — no doubt about it — but every passing moment is an opportunity to turn this rickety old boat around.

On a deeper level, as bad as things are, you have to believe there’s a more profound meaning for all this than just suffering. If we can’t see the forest for the trees, that is, if we’re too consumed by what’s wrong, we might miss how to get it right. Whatever or whomever you put your faith in, there’s a good chance a higher power — God, Allah, the universe — has in some strange way conceived a lesson buried deep within this travesty that can be mined with enough people getting their hands dirty and putting in the work.

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

Believe what you will, but there’s no denying the world has set you up for a slam dunk, if and when you’re ready for it. A reset button, if you will. Your friends and peer pressure has been removed, there are no sports to gamble with what little money you can spare, a window of opportunity, however smudged or cracked the glass may be, has presented itself, and the only certainty is uncertainty in every conceivable meaning of the word, as well as every facet of life. So wouldn’t now be the perfect time to roll the dice on yourself. If not now, then when?

Maybe you’re fresh out of college and there’s not a job for miles to pay your student loans. Maybe you were perfectly happy with your life but became complacent and quit working as hard as you once did, never finding new ways of doing things when the old ways work just fine. Maybe you fell out of love with your work, or maybe you got busy while you were making grand plans and ended up in deep doing something you never wanted. Maybe you always wished for a do-over, a chance to go back and get it right. Maybe this is it.

Wake Up Time

Again, maybe this doesn’t apply at all to you, and for that we empathize. Perhaps you’re one of the millions who can’t take a breath to think about transforming your life because you’re in up to your neck and desperate for a break. That’s a new kind of suffering in which we hope people who have the ability to help will learn in this time how to better be of service.

But (and we know it’s a big ‘but’), if you find yourself in the space with some time to waste, this is your chance to roll the dice and gamble on yourself for once. Before, it might’ve never felt safe to, but there’s some strange comfort in knowing nothing is guaranteed to be safe no matter who you are, where you are or what you do. The future is uncertain, but if you’re going to fail, you might as well do it spectacularly attempting to genuinely be yourself, or at the very least, being happy.

It’s wake-up time to make the changes that can transform a safe existence into an exciting experience. So grieve all you need to, then wake up with the sun, dust yourself off and clean yourself up then start to move in a direction you know to be true. And in the end, this terrible curse in human history might’ve strangely become a blessing in a very clever disguise.

It’s a brand new day. Let’s make the most of it.

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Why Is Sincerity Lost Among Men in Groups Bigger Than Two?

A heart-to-heart between two grown men seems about as rare as bears who nunchuck — it’s a thing but not a common one — mostly because of the unprecedented levels of vulnerability required from both sides. But why is it that all sincerity flies out the window the moment a third party enters the room?

No really, why is that? We have a few ideas.

Let’s say you have a friend you go way back with — we’re talking childhood buddies — someone with whom characteristics like honesty, trust and mutual respect are usually synonymous. You’ve born witness to each other’s most embarrassing moments, regretful haircuts and hardest lessons, yet you remain rocks for each other to lean on. When one of you has been dumped, goes broke, loses a loved one, the other is there to pick him up. We’ll go as far as to say you’d each help the other move (on a weekend, no less), completely voluntarily with zero incentive of beer and pizza at the end (although, we like to assume there will always be beer and pizza at the end). You’d take a bullet for the guy, and he’d do the same for you. It’s never said, but it’s common knowledge.

So when you two are rolling in the deep, mano-y-mano, about life, love and the pursuit of government support, what causes the conversation to go from open and honest to close-minded and offensive — the sweet to very sour — when just one more person, more often than not another man, enters the picture? Why is it that three’s a crowd that turns your closest pal into a guy more likely to give you a wedgy or spit in your cereal than show a sign of affection when it’s no longer just the two of you?

Let’s consider the reasons, three pillars behind insincerity and how to eradicate them.

Insecurity

It’s difficult for many men to articulate what they’re feeling. Perhaps no one in their lives has previously taken the time to open that space up, but it’s also likely most men aren’t comfortable being completely vulnerable with one another; men tend to share small bits of their feelings or keep it very surface-level. To be secure with your thoughts and feelings is to share them in their entirety, albeit with a bit of brevity to respect the listener’s time, so that someone can really understand exactly where you’re at and what you’re going through. Otherwise, what’s the point?

By showing weakness, you’re actually showing strength. That’s what it is to be man enough.

Sarcasm, similarly, is the language of the insecure, regardless if it’s intentional. It serves to convey an idea without the sincerity needed to make it effective. Instead, it comes off smug or glib and can be hard to tell if the feeling is meaningful or exactly the opposite.

To avoid insecurity, try honesty without a side of crass humor, then add a dash of eye contact. You may find it deliciously refreshing. Although satire is scientifically-proven to help change a person’s opinion or misguided beliefs, true sincerity involves eye contact and a genuine conveying of ideas. Think about it: When you talk to your buddies, are you looking them in the eye, or are you allowing sports, women, or an ice-cold beer to be that third party that takes away your focus and, thus, your sincerity?

Jealousy

When a friend opens up about major life opportunities, at work or at home, their need for your advice on the subject suddenly can become extra personal when you compare their upward trajectory to your own life’s direction. In a way, their need for your advice is its own form of insecurity, and that’s OK. Sharing this information with you is their attempt to overcome that. So while you may be excited to be helpful in that moment, it’s hard to not eventually make it about yourself later on. That comparison can breed jealousy which can then breed into bitter resentment wherein you’re not only not happy for someone you care about, now you’re eagerly awaiting them to fall.

Is it because you feel they’ll no longer need you or your advice? Any attempt to hold a friend down or keep them on your level is its own form of insanity, which is not uncommon, but certainly is not a recipe for a healthy friendship.

If you want to overcome jealousy, simply realize that another’s happiness doesn’t cost you a thing. There’s plenty to go around, especially when it’s a friend. Not everyone deserves the things they get, good or bad, but if you can’t be happy for someone close to you, who has worked hard to get where they are or has overcome massive obstacles and life changes to make it happen, that’s a red flag right there, friend.

Try to be more supportive. Support is cyclical and shouldn’t be a surprise if good support then finds its way back to you on your own path.

Hypocrisy

What does it mean to be a hypocrite of sincerity? This happens when you speak and listen sincerely in one conversation and then immediately repeat it as gossip in another conversation. When you do this, not only do you become untrustworthy with vaulted information, but you’re now using something intimate you’ve learned in order to make someone else look weak. The only thing worse is being supportive to a friend’s face in one moment and then throwing them under the bus in the next simply because another guy is around who might actually witness your kindness or respect for your friend. This, for some reason, makes you feel weak?

Because it really shouldn’t.

Hypocrisy amongst friends feels like walking through a door you know well, only to have it suddenly hit you from behind on your way out. The more you do it, the fewer people will trust your opinions or your ability to keep theirs. We’ve all been gossips at several points in time, but if that’s your default setting for where to go when you have nothing better to say, maybe just don’t say anything at all.

Keeping the Sincerity Coming

Anyone can tell you that a real friend is someone who supports you whether you’re present to defend yourself or not. A good friend will stand up for you when others bad-talk the decisions you make as if the decisions of one are suited for the rest. What worked for you at 25 might not be working at 35, and to have someone call you an “idiot” for trying to do better is no friend at all. A good friend would risk their own reputation to stand up for yours. As we get older, real friends and good men seem harder to find, so appreciate the ones you have and stand by them through thick and thin.

The next time you’re in a group of three or more and feel the air of sincerity go out of the room, keep in mind that not everyone necessarily has historically seen true sincerity that they can model nor have they necessarily gained the self-confidence they need to stay sincere (or even just kind) in their friend groups. The best thing you can do is be the first to pull it back in. If you’re persecuted for it, stay in the pocket and call it out. If it continues to happen, it’s OK to put a little distance between those people.

Because odds are they get it, and eventually they’ll come around (but maybe not). If they don’t, you keep it small and stay sincere while you enjoy all the pizza in the end.

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Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

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Cedric the Entertainer on Fatherhood Myths: Successful Dad Doesn’t Mean Great Dad

In our latest Man Enough episode, one of the “Original Kings of Comedy,” Cedric Entertainer, joined Grant Gustin and Justin Baldoni in his “COVID casual” robe to drop a bit of fatherly wisdom and dispel a few myths surrounding what makes a good dad.

“Being a guy who was raised in a single-parent household, I’m from that generation where the man makes the money,” Cedric said. “But that was my way of taking care of the family. As long as you do that, you did your job. Now that my kids are teenagers, I’ve come to realize that I was a very distant father to my own kids, and it hurts when you realize you don’t know your children the way you should.”

While quarantine has proven a useful opportunity for some fathers to spend quality time at home, it’s been just as big of a reality for the things many dads don’t have to handle while they’re busy earning outside. With more than 30 years as “the entertainer,” including two projects (a biopic Son of the South and comedy, Poor Greg Drowning) on the COVID backburner, Cedric has had plenty of time to take a fatherly inventory.

“My father was around, I just wouldn’t give him his credit. You can be there and let them know you’re there if they need anything, but you’re not engaged. It’s interesting to recognize that I’m not the father I thought I was,” he said. “I take great pride in my kids being my kids because I’m their dad. Sometimes you project an image of yourself, but when things slow down, you can see you let someone else do a lot of the work. You have no excuses when you don’t have to be anywhere.”

More ‘Man Enough’: Superhero Grant Gustin Is Man Enough to Go to Therapy, Are You?

Photo: Netflix

Cedric the Engager

Whereas fathers of older generations just wanted to put food on the table, the new generations are faced with the task of trying to pave their own paths, run their own businesses or work multiple jobs to have the same effect today. And that kind of commitment can make fatherhood nearly impossible, which is why so many families rely on others for help in raising kids, which enables that distance to grow between fathers and their sons or daughters.

“It’s a practice of newer generation dads to be more engaged. The old architects of man say you have to be strong and you have to be a leader of your family and can’t show weakness. My father wasn’t really “there” so I kind of made up being a dad what I thought it should be,” he said. “I was providing, but not necessarily caring.”

Cedric is nothing if not owning his past mistakes, claiming he used to be the dad who told his son to “man up” when he would cry, but he strives to be better now.

“Maybe you thought you’d taught them something but you didn’t teach them anything.”

Not only does that “providing” come with negative side effects for fatherhood, but it also puts a strain or distance between your own personal self-care. But therapy, along with some close-knit quarantining, has given him a new lease on fatherhood.

“My therapy came through couple’s therapy, but it helped me understand I needed this place to voice issues I’d been having and had no idea how to deal with. It goes back to why men are more likely to commit suicide,” he said. “It’s a degree of selfishness that guys grow up with that allows them to be great, powerful human beings. But that same selfishness doesn’t allow you to share anything, which leads men to do something erratic or based off a problem they decided that’s too big to fix.”

As kids begin to grow and mature on their own, fathers slowly return to themselves, but therapy also showed Cedric that building a family empire still requires a solid foundation, even when the little ones leave the nest.

“Your relationships in those early years are all about building the corporation of your family, but as the kids grow up, you realize nobody’s in love. You can let that get so callus that you go into your own corners, but therapy has led me to ask a lot of questions about my attitude toward so many things.”

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Rich Dad, Poor Dad

According to Cedric, the generations of young Black men, many of whom were fatherless due to incarceration in the ’80s and ’90s, are now becoming fathers themselves after, in many cases, not having one. While racial disparity has become America’s number-one conversation today, prisons have been imprisoning Black men more than five times as much as white men, even ten-fold in a handful of states.

“They don’t have these tools of men to talk to and people who can lead them,” Cedric said. “We’re all a community, so we have to take our time and find out what’s broken. Just know you’re not individually the only one responsible for what happens to you. Go find a little help.”

Although many boys struggle to find consistency in father figures due to wealth inequality or toxic masculinity, the growing absence of successful dads, who may be inclined to give money or shiny objects in place of attention, started raising eyebrows in late 2016. As a result, teens in affluent areas with money and access to lethal substances started experiencing their own epidemic, which began with horse sedatives and quickly escalated to elephant tranquilizers.

It all goes to show, regardless of the reason, kids need their dads to do more than just show up. Whether you’re a dad right now or 10 years from now, what will you strive to be better at for your kids?

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