Karamo Brown on Relationship Communication: You Have to Start With Yourself First

Cover image: Tasia Wells 

In the latest episode of Man Enough, the heart of Queer Eye Karamo Brown goes deep on relationship communication with his fiancé, Ian Jordan, alongside Justin Baldoni and his lovely wife, Emily in our first ever couple’s edition. The good-partner gospel according to Karamo is that, regardless of the kind of relationship, a successful one always starts in the same place: with you.

Yes, there’s a “me” in “team,” but let’s agree narcissism isn’t a great jumping-off point in a relationship. A sense of self, be it our own wants and needs, or our perceived shortcomings and reasons for being in a relationship in the first place, is the foundation from which we build upon. So before you go putting the cart before the horse (or perhaps your disinfected groceries before the Prius), consider getting an introspective makeover from Karamo, the guy with the magic eye for relationships.

Anyone who has seen new episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix (and we feel sorry for you if you haven’t) knows that the show has grown in its ability to reach the muscle-bound, traditionally toxic lost souls of men, as well as women, not just in their outer appearance (along with cooking skills and home aesthetic) but in undoing the inner knots and smoothing out the inner turmoil, whether they’ve been living under a rock or just going to the wrong parties. That’s where Karamo, our personal mental health Zamboni, comes in.

What many don’t know is Karamo practiced as a licensed social worker and psychotherapist for more than a decade before making it “big” in entertainment. All that in addition to being a kid’s book author, musician, podcaster and skincare line guru, Karamo clearly has a firm grasp on what’s working for him, which means he probably has a good grasp on what might work for you, but more importantly, what might not. He joined a team of LGBTQ non-actors in a show whose mission is to revamp struggling folks from top to bottom, inside and out (sound familiar?). So yeah, we feel safe with taking his advice. Plus, who would challenge a man with such a high-caliber beard?

I Can’t Breathe: 3 Simple Words Every Man Can Relate To

Amongst other great nuggets about relationship communication in his talk with the Baldoni’s, like taking on one (and only one) issue at a time, Karamo’s understanding that it takes a strong foundation to build an empire. That empire is your family, your work, your everything, but the foundation is simply you.

It sounds simple, and it’s been said before, but there is no use in being in a relationship if you don’t love yourself for who you are, how you spend your time and what you do with your life. Once you’re happy with the direction you’re going and love the way you move in this world, that’s when it’s good to find someone to dance with. Otherwise, just keep dancing like your dad drunk at a wedding reception well past the appropriate time to go home.

So many people get married in their 20s, which is fine if they’re happy on their own and understand what they want for themselves. But keep in mind: Being young is unpredictable. And finding what you want early on without considering options and learning from endless embarrassments makes truly knowing yourself early on more difficult. You want to be a strong foundation for yourself and the others in your life, which means you have to grow and mature through life lessons. The 25-year-old version of yourself might look pretty troubled up against the 35-year-old you (or maybe the other way around), but the point is to find your center, know your goals, have some role models, preferably ones who haven’t been outed for sexual aggression or systemic racism, and learn to love yourself.

From there, it gets much easier to let the right kind of love in.

Karamo

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Communication is everything in a relationship. Simple as that.

Nobody is reading minds, which means if you have a problem with yourself or the relationship itself, you have to be confident enough to vocalize that. Sometimes it takes many failed relationships, unnecessary squabbles and a few late-night shouting matches that trouble the neighbors to learn, but once you understand that simple idea, it can make a world of difference. Literally, your world will change.

Whether quarantine pandemic or not, we are constantly mourning losses, be it professionally or personally, and we as men must be vulnerable enough to open that side of ourselves, which invites in more openness from others around us, lest we stuff it down deep next to the midnight pizza binges and excessive amounts of wine, ice cream and porn to make ourselves feel better. Ever notice how when you share something dark and deep that others feel more comfortable to try and top you? You’d be amazed what you can learn from people you’ve known for a lifetime.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want (And That’s a Good Thing)

The best thing you can do is say, “Hey, got a minute?” knowing full well you aren’t going to get everything you want. And you shouldn’t.

Getting everything you want in a relationship implies the other side doesn’t, and whatever hurts the other side, in the long run, hurts the whole team. And this is a team sport, make no mistake about that. Healthy relationships are all about balance, and communication is the vehicle to get you there, be it that fancy, fully-stocked Prius or some lemon you drive because you’re busy saving for fewer, better things.

So get to talking (you got somewhere better to be?) From there, it’s all uphill (or downhill, whichever one is easier). Because if you think keeping it to yourself will keep everything together, think again.

And if you need more help on communicating to yourself or your partner, check out new episodes of Queer Eye and let Karamo take the wheel for a few. You know it’s great to watch even if you’re not gay, right? Good, just checking. Because you are, as we all know, man enough.

Check out Karamo’s children’s book I Am Perfectly Designed and his skincare line Mantl for more great Karamo goodness.

For more Man Enough episodes, go here. 

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!

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We All Have an Anxiety Monster Inside Us, You Should Be More Worried If You Don’t

If you’ve been outside or turned on the news lately, you know how weird it is out there. Between health and racial pandemics, floods and fires, police brutality, casual mentions of UFOs and asteroids just missing Earth, it’s safe to say we all have one or a hundred reasons to feel panic in our chest, difficulty breathing in our lungs and the ever-present shadow of the grim reaper. Anxiety is a monster, and there’s nothing great about it.

The only thing that would be truly weird is if you didn’t have anxiety right now.

What Is the Anxiety Monster?

Human beings are, at their core, reliant on social connection, information and the truth. So when those things become misaligned or go missing, say, with three months of self-isolating quarantine, the defiance of science by our top leaders and real-time murders televised from our cell phones, it triggers all sorts of emotions, repressed memories and past traumas then boils our blood until the negativity bubbles to the surface.

We like to call it the Anxiety Monster, mostly because it’ll eat you alive if you choose to ignore it.

Unlike the Boogie Man, your anxiety monster isn’t going anywhere when the sun comes up. It loves when you let your life get to you, or even just when life is crazy and surreal like it has been all of this year. Without the proper tools to attack anxiety back, this monster will bear-hug you in all the wrong places, from your head and your heart to your colon on down, tying you up in knots a sailor could not undo.

The biggest problem with preventing anxiety is that men, especially, have been taught to “man up” and suppress, hide and even deny these very emotions out of taught (and well-practiced) fear of being labeled weak. Would you like to talk about your feelings and potentially be labeled a “pansy,” “pussy” or “wimp?” Or would you rather roll the dice and stuff it down, snuggle in the fetal position with your anxiety monster and ignore countless other unaddressed issues until you eventually implode?

Does that make you man enough? No! And it doesn’t sound fun at all, either.

anxiety

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How Badly Is Anxiety Affecting Everyone, Really?

We’ve all witnessed some of the brutal daily trauma Black men in America are forced to deal with. Meanwhile, middle-aged white men have the highest rate of suicide in America, which averages close to 50,000 lives each year. Between the two, men are getting crushed on two fronts, and anyone who enjoys a good war movie knows it doesn’t end well when you’re surrounded. It’s an anxiety monster’s dream scenario. But if we’re willing to stand up against those who oppress us, we must also stand up against our own demons. And it starts with a conversation.

In light of the many injustices of today, many leaders in sports, entertainment and our communities have stepped forward where others have failed or missed their cues. And the stories we hear from these men about fear, ridicule and the challenge of being different or feeling less than may sound revolutionary, but they’re as common the cold. The reason they seem so refreshing or, dare we say, brave, is because of how rare it is to see vulnerability amongst the pack.

If modern manhood is based on survival of the fittest and devouring its “weakest link,” then we’re in trouble. Because that kind of toxic masculinity only destroys the pack. Our best chance at survival to admitting we’re all suffering from anxiety, then to normalize it and work through it without judgment as a whole. If you have the balls to admit you struggle with anxiety, that, in our opinion, makes you more of a man than ever!

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How to Beat Your Anxiety Monster

Anxiety not only affects our mood, it affects our sleep, work and ability to be supportive to others, near and far. So if you’re dragging your feet, fighting with your favorite people or staring at the ceiling every night and you’re not sure why, it’s not you. It’s anxiety, and it’s never been more popular. Good news: There are ways to handle it. Just because it showed up at the party doesn’t mean it’s welcome.

Just so you know, right away: There’s no beating it for good. Your anxiety monster is a lot like that creepy uncle at Christmas. You might have to listen to him tell his pervy jokes every time the tree goes up, but you can smile and rest assured it doesn’t have to happen every day. But just in case the usual tricks don’t work, consider the following:

First of all, remember that you’re doing great. You’re doing great, and you’re trying your best, given the circumstances, so quit putting so much pressure on yourself all the time. Most of it is unnecessary, self-imposed pressure anyway.

Next, work it out. Whether you’re working out physically, writing it down or even loving your lady (yes, they appreciate that), anxiety is negative energy that can be cultivated for good. But you’ve got to get it out or else it’ll manifest into bigger problems.

Finally, talk it over. You can confide in your partner or your best friend, someone you trust (yes, even your mother). You’d be surprised how much of the same stuff your father has been through if you have the good fortune to speak with him about it. Now hear us out on this next part.

Talking With a Professional

We know that might sound crazy or weak or easily judged to “get help” or “see a shrink,” but these negatively connotative ideas are overdramatized. It’s just a conversation with someone who has a clue of how to help. It’s a lot better than venting to the same friend or family member who never signed up for your 24-hour tell-all, and it’s a million times better than venting to the wrong person, who just happens to be a massive gossip.

Talking, even just once, with someone who’s trained to understand what you’re dealing with, has the ability to shed light on things you never even notice and, more importantly, is paid to listen to the most terrifyingly shallow filth you have inside you but is not allowed to repeat said terrifyingly shallow filth.

Try it, you might love it. I did, and my life has only gotten exponentially better. You become clear about what you want and how to get there. And now I have someone in my life I can tell anything to, judgment-free, but I can also fire her without any consequence to myself, plus I don’t have to go to her birthday parties. Whatever you do, don’t hold it inside. It’ll feel good to let it out. Because a “real man” doesn’t burden himself by burying it deep down for no one to see. Working it out makes you man enough.

And if you really want to lift a weight off your chest, you should try voting this November. It’s more than just one monster’s worst enemy.

If you or someone you know struggled with severe anxiety, you can find help below.

Now check out our new Anxiety episode with The Flash himself, Grant Gustin, veteran comedian, Cedric the Entertainer, and, of course, your host Justin Baldoni. For more Man Enough episodes, go here. 

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!

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