The halftime pep-talk we all need.
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In our latest Man Enough episode, one of the “Original Kings of Comedy,” Cedric Entertainer, joined Grant Gustin and Justin Baldoni in his “COVID casual” robe to drop a bit of fatherly wisdom and dispel a few myths surrounding what makes a good dad.
“Being a guy who was raised in a single-parent household, I’m from that generation where the man makes the money,” Cedric said. “But that was my way of taking care of the family. As long as you do that, you did your job. Now that my kids are teenagers, I’ve come to realize that I was a very distant father to my own kids, and it hurts when you realize you don’t know your children the way you should.”
While quarantine has proven a useful opportunity for some fathers to spend quality time at home, it’s been just as big of a reality for the things many dads don’t have to handle while they’re busy earning outside. With more than 30 years as “the entertainer,” including two projects (a biopic Son of the South and comedy, Poor Greg Drowning) on the COVID backburner, Cedric has had plenty of time to take a fatherly inventory.
“My father was around, I just wouldn’t give him his credit. You can be there and let them know you’re there if they need anything, but you’re not engaged. It’s interesting to recognize that I’m not the father I thought I was,” he said. “I take great pride in my kids being my kids because I’m their dad. Sometimes you project an image of yourself, but when things slow down, you can see you let someone else do a lot of the work. You have no excuses when you don’t have to be anywhere.”
Whereas fathers of older generations just wanted to put food on the table, the new generations are faced with the task of trying to pave their own paths, run their own businesses or work multiple jobs to have the same effect today. And that kind of commitment can make fatherhood nearly impossible, which is why so many families rely on others for help in raising kids, which enables that distance to grow between fathers and their sons or daughters.
“It’s a practice of newer generation dads to be more engaged. The old architects of man say you have to be strong and you have to be a leader of your family and can’t show weakness. My father wasn’t really “there” so I kind of made up being a dad what I thought it should be,” he said. “I was providing, but not necessarily caring.”
Cedric is nothing if not owning his past mistakes, claiming he used to be the dad who told his son to “man up” when he would cry, but he strives to be better now.
“Maybe you thought you’d taught them something but you didn’t teach them anything.”
Not only does that “providing” come with negative side effects for fatherhood, but it also puts a strain or distance between your own personal self-care. But therapy, along with some close-knit quarantining, has given him a new lease on fatherhood.
“My therapy came through couple’s therapy, but it helped me understand I needed this place to voice issues I’d been having and had no idea how to deal with. It goes back to why men are more likely to commit suicide,” he said. “It’s a degree of selfishness that guys grow up with that allows them to be great, powerful human beings. But that same selfishness doesn’t allow you to share anything, which leads men to do something erratic or based off a problem they decided that’s too big to fix.”
As kids begin to grow and mature on their own, fathers slowly return to themselves, but therapy also showed Cedric that building a family empire still requires a solid foundation, even when the little ones leave the nest.
“Your relationships in those early years are all about building the corporation of your family, but as the kids grow up, you realize nobody’s in love. You can let that get so callus that you go into your own corners, but therapy has led me to ask a lot of questions about my attitude toward so many things.”
According to Cedric, the generations of young Black men, many of whom were fatherless due to incarceration in the ’80s and ’90s, are now becoming fathers themselves after, in many cases, not having one. While racial disparity has become America’s number-one conversation today, prisons have been imprisoning Black men more than five times as much as white men, even ten-fold in a handful of states.
“They don’t have these tools of men to talk to and people who can lead them,” Cedric said. “We’re all a community, so we have to take our time and find out what’s broken. Just know you’re not individually the only one responsible for what happens to you. Go find a little help.”
Although many boys struggle to find consistency in father figures due to wealth inequality or toxic masculinity, the growing absence of successful dads, who may be inclined to give money or shiny objects in place of attention, started raising eyebrows in late 2016. As a result, teens in affluent areas with money and access to lethal substances started experiencing their own epidemic, which began with horse sedatives and quickly escalated to elephant tranquilizers.
It all goes to show, regardless of the reason, kids need their dads to do more than just show up. Whether you’re a dad right now or 10 years from now, what will you strive to be better at for your kids?
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Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
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There’s been a lot of talk around Juneteenth, but how much do you really know? One of the most important things behind any movement, besides passion and desire for justice, is education. By learning the history, defining moments and true conflict behind social movements, we can credibly fight for change by informing the uninformed and, more importantly, the misinformed. But Juneteenth isn’t the only important date you should consider here.
Historically, June 19th marks the true end of slavery and bondage for the Black community in America in 1865. More than 150 years ago, President Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation in January 1863, declaring that all slaves should be forever free, but it wasn’t until mid-1865 that news of the abolishment reached Galveston, Texas, the site where the last Black slaves were freed. The speed of speech might have been a sign of the times then, but it’s a bit ironic that the term “forever free” took two and a half years to take effect.
Nonetheless, Juneteenth is not only an anniversary of what once happened but should be celebrated moving forward as a reminder of the times we are in now. Black celebrities, such as Usher, and politicians like Kamala Harris and Cory Booker, along with millions of multi-racial Black lives supporters, have come together to see that this date be instated as a national holiday. Because we’re fortunate to live in a time when it doesn’t take two and a half years for us to learn about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor or the other countless injustices happening around our country. It doesn’t take two and a half years for people to take action either, which is all the more reason for us to act now, peacefully, so that the healing can continue to spread in order for Black lives to not only matter but be celebrated.
There is, unfortunately at this time, a massive divide in America, but we can all agree on the right to live freely without the fear of losing our life in broad daylight with another life kneeling it (or at the least, we like to think we can agree on that). With that said, we implore you to support Black lives and celebrate Juneteenth and commemoration of Black independence, and we suggest doing so by joining a peaceful protest or starting one.
Visit Sixnineteen.com or browse Juneteenth events happening in your area throughout the weekend, as well as for more ways to get information and get involved.
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It’s not the usual Father’s Day message, but it’ll do.
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If you’ve been outside or turned on the news lately, you know how weird it is out there. Between health and racial pandemics, floods and fires, police brutality, casual mentions of UFOs and asteroids just missing Earth, it’s safe to say we all have one or a hundred reasons to feel panic in our chest, difficulty breathing in our lungs and the ever-present shadow of the grim reaper. Anxiety is a monster, and there’s nothing great about it.
The only thing that would be truly weird is if you didn’t have anxiety right now.
Human beings are, at their core, reliant on social connection, information and the truth. So when those things become misaligned or go missing, say, with three months of self-isolating quarantine, the defiance of science by our top leaders and real-time murders televised from our cell phones, it triggers all sorts of emotions, repressed memories and past traumas then boils our blood until the negativity bubbles to the surface.
We like to call it the Anxiety Monster, mostly because it’ll eat you alive if you choose to ignore it.
Unlike the Boogie Man, your anxiety monster isn’t going anywhere when the sun comes up. It loves when you let your life get to you, or even just when life is crazy and surreal like it has been all of this year. Without the proper tools to attack anxiety back, this monster will bear-hug you in all the wrong places, from your head and your heart to your colon on down, tying you up in knots a sailor could not undo.
The biggest problem with preventing anxiety is that men, especially, have been taught to “man up” and suppress, hide and even deny these very emotions out of taught (and well-practiced) fear of being labeled weak. Would you like to talk about your feelings and potentially be labeled a “pansy,” “pussy” or “wimp?” Or would you rather roll the dice and stuff it down, snuggle in the fetal position with your anxiety monster and ignore countless other unaddressed issues until you eventually implode?
Does that make you man enough? No! And it doesn’t sound fun at all, either.
We’ve all witnessed some of the brutal daily trauma Black men in America are forced to deal with. Meanwhile, middle-aged white men have the highest rate of suicide in America, which averages close to 50,000 lives each year. Between the two, men are getting crushed on two fronts, and anyone who enjoys a good war movie knows it doesn’t end well when you’re surrounded. It’s an anxiety monster’s dream scenario. But if we’re willing to stand up against those who oppress us, we must also stand up against our own demons. And it starts with a conversation.
In light of the many injustices of today, many leaders in sports, entertainment and our communities have stepped forward where others have failed or missed their cues. And the stories we hear from these men about fear, ridicule and the challenge of being different or feeling less than may sound revolutionary, but they’re as common the cold. The reason they seem so refreshing or, dare we say, brave, is because of how rare it is to see vulnerability amongst the pack.
If modern manhood is based on survival of the fittest and devouring its “weakest link,” then we’re in trouble. Because that kind of toxic masculinity only destroys the pack. Our best chance at survival to admitting we’re all suffering from anxiety, then to normalize it and work through it without judgment as a whole. If you have the balls to admit you struggle with anxiety, that, in our opinion, makes you more of a man than ever!
Anxiety not only affects our mood, it affects our sleep, work and ability to be supportive to others, near and far. So if you’re dragging your feet, fighting with your favorite people or staring at the ceiling every night and you’re not sure why, it’s not you. It’s anxiety, and it’s never been more popular. Good news: There are ways to handle it. Just because it showed up at the party doesn’t mean it’s welcome.
Just so you know, right away: There’s no beating it for good. Your anxiety monster is a lot like that creepy uncle at Christmas. You might have to listen to him tell his pervy jokes every time the tree goes up, but you can smile and rest assured it doesn’t have to happen every day. But just in case the usual tricks don’t work, consider the following:
First of all, remember that you’re doing great. You’re doing great, and you’re trying your best, given the circumstances, so quit putting so much pressure on yourself all the time. Most of it is unnecessary, self-imposed pressure anyway.
Next, work it out. Whether you’re working out physically, writing it down or even loving your lady (yes, they appreciate that), anxiety is negative energy that can be cultivated for good. But you’ve got to get it out or else it’ll manifest into bigger problems.
Finally, talk it over. You can confide in your partner or your best friend, someone you trust (yes, even your mother). You’d be surprised how much of the same stuff your father has been through if you have the good fortune to speak with him about it. Now hear us out on this next part.
We know that might sound crazy or weak or easily judged to “get help” or “see a shrink,” but these negatively connotative ideas are overdramatized. It’s just a conversation with someone who has a clue of how to help. It’s a lot better than venting to the same friend or family member who never signed up for your 24-hour tell-all, and it’s a million times better than venting to the wrong person, who just happens to be a massive gossip.
Talking, even just once, with someone who’s trained to understand what you’re dealing with, has the ability to shed light on things you never even notice and, more importantly, is paid to listen to the most terrifyingly shallow filth you have inside you but is not allowed to repeat said terrifyingly shallow filth.
Try it, you might love it. I did, and my life has only gotten exponentially better. You become clear about what you want and how to get there. And now I have someone in my life I can tell anything to, judgment-free, but I can also fire her without any consequence to myself, plus I don’t have to go to her birthday parties. Whatever you do, don’t hold it inside. It’ll feel good to let it out. Because a “real man” doesn’t burden himself by burying it deep down for no one to see. Working it out makes you man enough.
And if you really want to lift a weight off your chest, you should try voting this November. It’s more than just one monster’s worst enemy.
If you or someone you know struggled with severe anxiety, you can find help below.
Now check out our new Anxiety episode with The Flash himself, Grant Gustin, veteran comedian, Cedric the Entertainer, and, of course, your host Justin Baldoni. For more Man Enough episodes, go here.
Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!
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