Boys & Young Men Are Showing Their True Colors Earlier, And It’s About Time

On the road of life, we tend to feel we’re flying down the freeway on a fast track to nowhere in particular but that the possibilities are endless. There’s any number of exits and off-ramps, pitstops and points of scenery we could choose for ourselves along the way so the path (sometimes, the destination) we choose can vary quite easily.

But the last thing we’re likely to do is stop to ask for directions. Why is that?

For many young men, the road of life has historically been a narrow dirt path, rigid and worn down by generations of travelers and paved long with the treads of tradition, so deep the wheels have no choice but to follow the same grooves for fear of getting a flat or bottoming out. The path offers few guard rails and even fewer signposts to point the direction, but we continue further down the road, hoping it’ll lead us to the right place. Oftentimes, there aren’t any turnoffs to help us go back or change course, our direction becomes the one and only laid out before us, and the likelihood of winding up somewhere new and different dwindling with each bend in that proverbial road.

Although many men have followed the road as far as it goes without question, others are beginning to pull off and set up road signs to warn of sharp turns, potential mudslides and the distance to destinations ahead, knowing they’ve perhaps gone so far down this path that it’s a lifetime back to the main drag and that their time might best be used to help oncoming travelers avoid the same forks in the road.

That’s about where we are right now as men.

We are finding that the road we’ve been on isn’t exactly the smartest route to where we’re trying to get, and now many of us have pulled over with road flares and neon vests to redirect some of the young men coming up behind us. We’ve seen some of what lies ahead, and we know, for many, it’s a dead end.

Photograph: Picador

Nadim Shamma-Sourgen was recently awarded a book deal for poetry he has spent the vast majority of his life writing. The poems are astonishing in their ability to convey his emotions, even more astonishing because Nadim is only 4 years old.

Peggy Orenstein’s Boys & Sex illustrates a common thread for young boys who have struggled with the weight of masculinity because of an overly-simplified definition of it that is robbing them of their full and true potential. This strange period of quarantine, however, has sequestered boys from both bullies and expectations, giving them the space to express emotions and frustrations they’re wrestling with.

Similarly, Kimmi Berlin, 7, is learning it doesn’t have to be all Rick Flair and Ninja Turtles, that is to say, he’s learning that playing doesn’t have to be brute force and physical. Emotions like happiness or sadness don’t have to be buried deep inside for nobody to see, and that Barbie’s dreamhouse has an all-inclusive open-door policy.

More Man Enough: Creativity Can Be the Catapult From Depression to Self-Discovery

These headlines are slipping in between the cracks of all the madness in the news, but these stories aren’t astonishing; they’re long overdue. And the toxic forms of masculinity they’re subverting is not always toxic in the sense of the word we assume, like child abuse. It’s the general acceptance of subtle suppression for sweet boys who want to feel safe to have that honest outlet. It’s in making men feel ashamed for their sensitivity long before they’ve become men, but by then, it’s hard to turn the car around and double back.

Navigating this new masculinity is going to take time, but the pace at which things are changing can be a positive conductor for young men if we’re attuned to it.

For instance, this boy and his blog, Joseph and His Mistakes, shows a young man on the cusp of many major life decisions who notices red flags and warning signs already in his life, from locker room talk at the poker table to the lifted skirt of toxic masculinity, showing an impressionable kid more than his eyes should see at that (or any) age. But that’s only because we’ve kept young men in the dark for too long, only to quickly lift the veil and shove them into the world without so much as a roadmap.

Photo: rawpixel (Envato Elements)

More and more, boys are finding ways of expressing themselves in new ways to avoid the pressure of sincerity required by words. From painting and piano to the way they’re interacting at home while schools have been closed, boys are accessing the full range of emotions that many generations before have had to be exclusively selective with in the past.

If we want these victories to continue amongst young men so that they might continue to grow with a positive outlook on opening up to their truest self, then it’s the responsibility of the driver to take the right course. It might be bumpy at times, and the urge to turn back to the road everyone else is on might be tempting, but with the right person behind the wheel and enough snacks, there’s a lot of potential for a grand adventure.

You may not be a father yet, but you may be a brother, a buddy or an Uber driver. Whatever the capacity, you have the ability to help young men get from one point to the next, however small, and find their own way to where they’re going. And it’s not necessarily one even you’ve seen before. After generations of men talking down to boys instead of with them, make space for these young men to communicate ideas and promote positive creative experiences, whatever they may be.

There are no wrong routes if you wind up at the right destination. Some may take a bit longer than others, and some might involve a few highly questionable and fairly unsanitary stops, but if you follow your compass and avoid the swamps, you’ll get there.

Because on the road of life, we may miss a few exits or get spun around, but we eventually find our way. Though it never hurt to stop and ask for directions.

Think about what you can do for the young men in your life. What kind of guidance can you offer them from your own experience? Maybe some of those missed opportunities and misspent youth will serve a purpose after all.

For more ‘Man Enough’ episodes, go here. 

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most #manenough moments!

Cover: altanaka (Envato Elements)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCB6p7HJONs/

 

Complaining Negatively Rewires Your Brain (But Gratitude Can Bring You Back)

Did you know most people complain once per minute in conversation? That’s because negativity is as common as the cold, but not everyone lets complaining control the conversation.

We get it — there’s plenty to be upset about. Life is hard, but complaining only makes it worse at a certain point (very quickly). And while venting frustration may feel good at first, neurons in the brain grow closer together each time you do it, building a bridge that makes it a little easier to cross over to complaining. It can get to the point you may not realize you’re doing it, similar to the constant dopamine drip you’ve grown accustomed to getting when you receive likes on social media or you hear the sound of an incoming text. It just becomes part of your daily habit.

We know that negative fortune-telling is bad for our inner dialogue, but complaining not only rewires your brain, which can potentially lead to brain damage, it also depletes your cortisol levels — the hormone that sends you into fight or flight mode– and when your body is stressed, it redirects energy, oxygen and blood away from other systems so it can fight where it’s needed, kind of like when you’re exhausted as your body tries to fight off infection. Simply, negative thinking can make you feel sick.

Toxic-Distancing: Are You Man Enough to Step Back From Toxic Friends?

Times like these, it’s never been easier to complain. Unemployment, homelessness, and racial tensions are all at new highs, while the economy, our ability to pay rent and the quality of life appear to be at all-time lows. Anyone could make a full-blown hobby out of complaining in a time where there’s no end of things to complain about. It starts small but quickly it begins to affect those closest to you, and it’s highly infectious to people who are forced to absorb that negative energy. But who can stand that for long?

Solutions are found in looking towards the positive. That’s why people say it’s good to surround yourself with positive people. You’d much rather be infected by good vibes and people who are more focused on solutions than problems, people who use words like “empathy” more than “enemy.” So while complaining may be synonymous with negativity, solutions can be synonymous with positivity, and solutions are what we’re in need of right now, locally and globally.

Basically, stop complaining. It’s only making things worse.

More Man Enough: Roll the Dice and Transform Your Life (If Not Now, When?)

Gratitude, conversely, is complaining’s worst nightmare. Gratitude has been studied by neuroscience to have strong effects on anxiety, negativity and even grief. If gratitude had an evil twin, it’d be complaining, which means if you’ve been labeled a complainer or feel consumed by negativity throughout your day — short fuse, big temper, quick to anger — then gratitude is the antidote you’re looking for.

Before you go down the long-winded road of anti-depressants, first try this. It’s actually simple, painless and takes all of about 15 seconds. Best of all, it’s free and unlimited.

Rewire Your Rewire

Psychologists have described the “happiness exercise” as a great way to find gratitude that not only brings in happy thoughts to replace negative ones, but it’s a great habit to get into that can rewire your brain back towards positivity. It’s like your morning coffee that gets your brain going when you wake up, except without the need to pee all day.

Several studies in the last decade have measured the effects, finding that people who count their blessings on a daily basis tend to be happier. It puts space between toxic emotions that can cause toxic manifestations, but even better, you don’t have to share your gratitude if you don’t want to (although we recommend trying it from time to time). The more you practice gratitude, the more likely you are to appreciate things and people around you, which, again, sounds a lot like what we’re in dire need of right now.

3 Good Things

The happiness exercise psychologists recommend for daily gratitude only takes about three minutes, but it could be as easy as 15 seconds. All you have to do is think of three simple things that went well today before you go to sleep. Sit with each one for a minute and ruminate on it. Writing down ideas can only help strengthen those positive vibes, and you can read them again when you wake up, but the idea is to keep it simple and remain grateful for what you do have, as opposed to the things you want that you don’t have, which might be a source of complaining.

Whether it’s your mother, a perfectly ripe mango, the feeling of sand on your feet, a nice walk with your dog, having a woman you trust nearby, the sounds of crickets at night, stars in the sky, whatever feels right in the moment, write it down and be grateful.

The 3 easy steps to ‘3 Good Things’:

  1. Think about your day, consider the good things that presented themselves.
  2. Write down three things you’re grateful for, anything at all.
  3. Sit with each one for a moment and consider how they made your day better.

And if you’re struggling throughout the day with negative and find yourself on the verge of a good complaint, stop and think about three things that are working for you in the moment, even if it feels like nothing is working. Maybe both your shoes are tied, or even the fact you have shoes at all. Keep it simple. Keep it sweet. And quit your complaining.

That’s what the holidays are for (wink).

For more ‘Man Enough’ episodes, go here. 

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram.

Remember tag us in your most #manenough moments!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CDPbAqHp8w9/

Cover image: prostock-studio (Envato Elements)

 

 

Are You Your Own Negative Fortune Teller? It Is Likely

We’re all guilty of playing the victim to our negative thoughts, but these days, it’s a crippling habit to be a negative fortune teller, especially if the fortune is yours and the forecast is constant rain clouds and thunderstorms.

Imagine sitting at your desk, eating some roasted almonds trying to get some sort of momentum going. First of all, imagine sitting at a desk in an office again! Crazy, right? You’re minding your own business, going about your workday when suddenly, your boss walks by. Now, normally, they might stop and ask you about your weekend, what you’re working on or why you’ve resorted to a diet purely of nuts, but on this particular day, they walk by without so much as a bit of eye contact or a simple ‘hello.’

We know what you’re thinking and we agree: Obviously, your boss hates you, you’re about to get fired, your girlfriend will quickly dump you, your toxic friends will call you a loser but not before reminding you you’re going to die alone, which will seamlessly lead to you being homeless and gathering what food you can from muster from a dumpster as you slowly wither way in the blistering cold, despite living in a fairly warm climate, wishing you had some of those almonds you took for granted to gnaw on.

OK, that actually does sound crazy. But it’s not far from the common tales we tell ourselves on a daily basis.

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

Negative fortune-telling is an unconscious interaction we have with ourselves, one that takes a tiny morsel of reality and expands it into a full-blown horror movie in our minds that we tell ourselves with unending sequel upon terrible sequel. Now, there should be some relief in reminding you that it’s only a movie, and there are no monsters under your bed, but the trouble with negative fortune-telling is that when you do it enough, some of the items from this little shop of horrors can manifest themselves into your life, which is why it needs to stop.

Negative thinking can rewire your brain in a bad way when you do it often enough, which means it’s imperative we override those with positive thoughts. But that sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? The best thing you can do is not let your mind run rampant in the first place, but how do we avoid that?

But just to be safe, let’s first break that scenario down.

Yes, maybe you do eat solely almonds to get you through too often, but the fact your boss didn’t stop to say hello could be caused by any number of reasons, most, if not all, unrelated to you and your nuts. Maybe they had a bad weekend, found out a loved one was ill, stubbed their toe in the kitchen while trying to make breakfast for their picky kids who, for some reason, want spaghetti at 7 AM. Maybe the business has been extra slow, they had too much wine with dinner last night and the fluorescent lights are making an unexpected hangover a bit worse, or maybe (just maybe) they discovered a weird fungus growing between their toes — probably athlete’s foot, easy fix — that they didn’t know was possible.

So how do we fix this (the negative thinking, not athlete’s foot)? Let’s see here…

Avoid Making It All About You (And Your Need to Be Liked)

One of the most common traits we share is our constant need to be liked. Exhibit A: social media.

When someone doesn’t praise our good work, notice our new shoes or even bother to acknowledge us, we take that as an offense and must get to the root as to why they hate our work, our style and our general existence. In reality, we’re just consumed with our neverending story, to which we have a beautifully-curated soundtrack we’ve worked very hard to keep updated. It’s not just on social media, it’s everywhere — the need to be seen.

By having a bit of empathy and realizing not everything that happens in this world is of direct consequence to the shoes we chose to wear today, we can move forward with a little less worry about the actions of others and even come out with a better understanding of what’s going on around us, rather than drifting through false oblivion. It makes us more attuned to the plight of others when we realize everyone has a story going on in their head and you are most definitely not the main character of theirs, nor are they the main character of yours.

But seriously, you have Fight Club soundtrack for, like every mood. What’s up with that?

Redirect That Anxious Energy

Most people would pay top dollar to have the kind of energy that gets wasted on needless thoughts and worry, bottled and sold like an energy drink without the need to pee every five minutes. But the funny part is you already have it in you. Maybe lay off the coffee, the ultimate illusion of energy, but otherwise, that superhuman strength is in you somewhere. And when you find it, you have to redirect it towards things that are important to you to keep it going.

What’s more important, doing rewarding work you’re proud of each day or figuring out if spending $300 on plaid loafers no one noticed was a poor judgment call or just all in your head? Not relatable? How about doing great work that makes you love who you are and what you do versus worrying all day if everyone else likes who you are? Because, fun fact, the more you like yourself, the less what others think matters and, yet, the more likely people are to appreciate someone with self-confidence.

Once you’ve decided how you want to use your mind and energy, you’ll feel space opening up for productive thoughts and you might even have some energy to bring those ideas to fruition. But if you live inside a constant fiction that has no end, you’ll find yourself living out some of those negative scenarios where you feel worthless or unworthy of anything good.

Tell Yourself Something Funny

When you catch yourself playing out these wild scenarios in your head, you can feel half-crazy. If that’s the case, we suggest having fun with our psychoses. If you’re going to tell yourself a story based on the unrelated actions of others, make it a short story (and make it humorous). Because most of our negative thoughts are unwanted traits we see in ourselves that we have to project onto others, but if the story becomes a comedy rather than a drama, it opens the door for levity and a bit of ridiculousness to snap you out of that hall of horrors.

If your boss failed to stop by your desk, it’s probably because they have a bad case of food poisoning that presented itself on the way to work, and the only receptacle available was a pair of $300 plaid loafers they were excited to show off that day.

See? Better already. Now you try.

For more ‘Man Enough’ episodes, go here. 

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most #manenough moments!

Cover image: Photocreo (Envato Elements)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCB6p7HJONs/

 

Are You Man Enough to Distance Yourself From Toxic Friends?

Never has it been easier to socially distance yourself from friends, even ones you sorely miss. But now is an important time to decide which toxic friends you need to distance yourself from, even after things return to normal (whatever that is).

There’s a saying that good friendship is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

The older we get, the more things change. And the more things change, the crazier the world seems to get. While in your own lockdown, social media might keep you well-aware of just how much negativity is out there, but without the right friends to steer you back to center, things can get hairy.

If push comes to shove, are you man enough to distance yourself from a life-long friendship? Because your long-term happiness and self-respect may depend on you answering correctly.

Why Is Sincerity Lost Among Men in Groups Bigger Than Two?

Every push has its pull. Oftentimes, when we find ourselves in a flow state — that natural goodness of feeling like exactly who we are while doing exactly what we’ve been put on this planet to do — we also feel something (or someone) pulling us back, even down.

Toxic friendships are tough, mostly because they probably weren’t always that way so you feel a need to hold onto them. When you’re young, friendship is easy. Most of who you spent time with was based on the street you grew up on or your love of baseball, girls and causing trouble. But the world is very different now, especially for young people. The older we get, the more friendships are challenged. And while some might be linked to your fondest memories, not everything gold can stay. So as your circle of friends moves into new territory — marriage, kids, grown-up stuff — you see one another making decisions that you might not agree with, which is OK, but when it creates a negative or hostile environment, it’s time to raise the red flag.

[Sidebar: If your friends are still creating a racist or sexist environment, it’s your responsibility to hold them accountable.]

We’ve recently established that sincerity is lost among men in groups bigger than two. Whether it’s a single toxic friend or several doesn’t matter; it only takes one rotten sheep to infect the whole flock.

If you’re heading in a new direction (a healthy direction) but feel held down by old friends — common symptoms may include: group judgment, name-calling, only showing up in times of crisis or with a good meme, belittling your achievements in order to keep you at their level, never bothering to call you in four months stuck home with nothing to do — now is the time to put a different kind of social distance — toxic distancing –between friends, a property line built to maintain the friendship but keep out toxic intruders.

You create healthy boundaries, lest that toxicity bleeds into our areas of your life.

Creating Boundaries

No one solution is the end-all for fixing relationships, which means you have to take a moment to look at what’s wrong. In short, the best thing you can do for a close, yet somewhat toxic friend, is to be there for them when they need you, and not much more than that until things change. A conversation, thoughtful and calm, might best relay some of the ideas, but not many friends want to confront one another.

But it’s 2020 and you’re feeling a little bolder every day, right?

Karamo Brown on Relationships: You Have to Start With Yourself First

If you have long-time friends you’ve known since grade school, high school or college who just don’t jive with the direction you’re heading now, it’s a simple as keeping to important events like their birthdays and group-specific events like engagements, weddings and the occasional get-together, where you can celebrate, have a laugh and leave when you’re ready.

There just isn’t room for toxic people every day of your life if you’re trying to find some peace at the end of each day.

One-on-one hangs are always a good way to go. Grow strong, sincere relationships by grabbing lunch with an old buddy, drinks with another, and have the older, fuddy-duddies over for game night before it’s time to put the kids to bed. Just don’t gossip and judge others when you do. Be fully present (no phone) and supportive in that short time you have with them. Even quick catch-ups on the phone (or video chats, especially now) are warranted.

When it’s just the two of you, they’re more likely to notice you’re not the same person you were in 1995 or 2010, and neither are they, hopefully. It’s OK if the 2020-versions of you don’t match up. They’re more likely to see why you’ve pulled away from the herd the deeper the conversation goes so maybe talk about more than the weather and quarantine.

You’ll start to see space opening up around you, which allows you to focus on moving forward with the right use of time with the right people. There’s no need to cut out friends or publicly shame (that’s what makes you into a toxic friend). It’d be easy to tell them to screw off, but that’s not the move here. The move is to be supportive as much as you can without sacrificing your happiness, or theirs. Stay in the pocket and move forward with grace.

Lastly, keep the days that are important to you for people who jive with your current direction. If they’re the right people, you’ll find yourself in that flow state more and more as you go. Life is good when you surround yourself with good people, and it’s always easier to get by with a little help from your friends.

For more ‘Man Enough’ episodes, go here. 

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most #manenough moments!

Cover image: gpointstudio (Envato Elements)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCB6p7HJONs/

 

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful.

Continue reading

Karamo Brown on Relationship Communication: You Have to Start With Yourself First

Cover image: Tasia Wells 

In the latest episode of Man Enough, the heart of Queer Eye Karamo Brown goes deep on relationship communication with his fiancé, Ian Jordan, alongside Justin Baldoni and his lovely wife, Emily in our first ever couple’s edition. The good-partner gospel according to Karamo is that, regardless of the kind of relationship, a successful one always starts in the same place: with you.

Yes, there’s a “me” in “team,” but let’s agree narcissism isn’t a great jumping-off point in a relationship. A sense of self, be it our own wants and needs, or our perceived shortcomings and reasons for being in a relationship in the first place, is the foundation from which we build upon. So before you go putting the cart before the horse (or perhaps your disinfected groceries before the Prius), consider getting an introspective makeover from Karamo, the guy with the magic eye for relationships.

Anyone who has seen new episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix (and we feel sorry for you if you haven’t) knows that the show has grown in its ability to reach the muscle-bound, traditionally toxic lost souls of men, as well as women, not just in their outer appearance (along with cooking skills and home aesthetic) but in undoing the inner knots and smoothing out the inner turmoil, whether they’ve been living under a rock or just going to the wrong parties. That’s where Karamo, our personal mental health Zamboni, comes in.

What many don’t know is Karamo practiced as a licensed social worker and psychotherapist for more than a decade before making it “big” in entertainment. All that in addition to being a kid’s book author, musician, podcaster and skincare line guru, Karamo clearly has a firm grasp on what’s working for him, which means he probably has a good grasp on what might work for you, but more importantly, what might not. He joined a team of LGBTQ non-actors in a show whose mission is to revamp struggling folks from top to bottom, inside and out (sound familiar?). So yeah, we feel safe with taking his advice. Plus, who would challenge a man with such a high-caliber beard?

I Can’t Breathe: 3 Simple Words Every Man Can Relate To

Amongst other great nuggets about relationship communication in his talk with the Baldoni’s, like taking on one (and only one) issue at a time, Karamo’s understanding that it takes a strong foundation to build an empire. That empire is your family, your work, your everything, but the foundation is simply you.

It sounds simple, and it’s been said before, but there is no use in being in a relationship if you don’t love yourself for who you are, how you spend your time and what you do with your life. Once you’re happy with the direction you’re going and love the way you move in this world, that’s when it’s good to find someone to dance with. Otherwise, just keep dancing like your dad drunk at a wedding reception well past the appropriate time to go home.

So many people get married in their 20s, which is fine if they’re happy on their own and understand what they want for themselves. But keep in mind: Being young is unpredictable. And finding what you want early on without considering options and learning from endless embarrassments makes truly knowing yourself early on more difficult. You want to be a strong foundation for yourself and the others in your life, which means you have to grow and mature through life lessons. The 25-year-old version of yourself might look pretty troubled up against the 35-year-old you (or maybe the other way around), but the point is to find your center, know your goals, have some role models, preferably ones who haven’t been outed for sexual aggression or systemic racism, and learn to love yourself.

From there, it gets much easier to let the right kind of love in.

Karamo

Superhero Grant Gustin Is ‘Man Enough’ to Go to Therapy, Are You?

Communication is everything in a relationship. Simple as that.

Nobody is reading minds, which means if you have a problem with yourself or the relationship itself, you have to be confident enough to vocalize that. Sometimes it takes many failed relationships, unnecessary squabbles and a few late-night shouting matches that trouble the neighbors to learn, but once you understand that simple idea, it can make a world of difference. Literally, your world will change.

Whether quarantine pandemic or not, we are constantly mourning losses, be it professionally or personally, and we as men must be vulnerable enough to open that side of ourselves, which invites in more openness from others around us, lest we stuff it down deep next to the midnight pizza binges and excessive amounts of wine, ice cream and porn to make ourselves feel better. Ever notice how when you share something dark and deep that others feel more comfortable to try and top you? You’d be amazed what you can learn from people you’ve known for a lifetime.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want (And That’s a Good Thing)

The best thing you can do is say, “Hey, got a minute?” knowing full well you aren’t going to get everything you want. And you shouldn’t.

Getting everything you want in a relationship implies the other side doesn’t, and whatever hurts the other side, in the long run, hurts the whole team. And this is a team sport, make no mistake about that. Healthy relationships are all about balance, and communication is the vehicle to get you there, be it that fancy, fully-stocked Prius or some lemon you drive because you’re busy saving for fewer, better things.

So get to talking (you got somewhere better to be?) From there, it’s all uphill (or downhill, whichever one is easier). Because if you think keeping it to yourself will keep everything together, think again.

And if you need more help on communicating to yourself or your partner, check out new episodes of Queer Eye and let Karamo take the wheel for a few. You know it’s great to watch even if you’re not gay, right? Good, just checking. Because you are, as we all know, man enough.

Check out Karamo’s children’s book I Am Perfectly Designed and his skincare line Mantl for more great Karamo goodness.

For more Man Enough episodes, go here. 

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CCB6p7HJONs/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Cedric the Entertainer on Fatherhood Myths: Successful Dad Doesn’t Mean Great Dad

In our latest Man Enough episode, one of the “Original Kings of Comedy,” Cedric Entertainer, joined Grant Gustin and Justin Baldoni in his “COVID casual” robe to drop a bit of fatherly wisdom and dispel a few myths surrounding what makes a good dad.

“Being a guy who was raised in a single-parent household, I’m from that generation where the man makes the money,” Cedric said. “But that was my way of taking care of the family. As long as you do that, you did your job. Now that my kids are teenagers, I’ve come to realize that I was a very distant father to my own kids, and it hurts when you realize you don’t know your children the way you should.”

While quarantine has proven a useful opportunity for some fathers to spend quality time at home, it’s been just as big of a reality for the things many dads don’t have to handle while they’re busy earning outside. With more than 30 years as “the entertainer,” including two projects (a biopic Son of the South and comedy, Poor Greg Drowning) on the COVID backburner, Cedric has had plenty of time to take a fatherly inventory.

“My father was around, I just wouldn’t give him his credit. You can be there and let them know you’re there if they need anything, but you’re not engaged. It’s interesting to recognize that I’m not the father I thought I was,” he said. “I take great pride in my kids being my kids because I’m their dad. Sometimes you project an image of yourself, but when things slow down, you can see you let someone else do a lot of the work. You have no excuses when you don’t have to be anywhere.”

More ‘Man Enough’: Superhero Grant Gustin Is Man Enough to Go to Therapy, Are You?

Photo: Netflix

Cedric the Engager

Whereas fathers of older generations just wanted to put food on the table, the new generations are faced with the task of trying to pave their own paths, run their own businesses or work multiple jobs to have the same effect today. And that kind of commitment can make fatherhood nearly impossible, which is why so many families rely on others for help in raising kids, which enables that distance to grow between fathers and their sons or daughters.

“It’s a practice of newer generation dads to be more engaged. The old architects of man say you have to be strong and you have to be a leader of your family and can’t show weakness. My father wasn’t really “there” so I kind of made up being a dad what I thought it should be,” he said. “I was providing, but not necessarily caring.”

Cedric is nothing if not owning his past mistakes, claiming he used to be the dad who told his son to “man up” when he would cry, but he strives to be better now.

“Maybe you thought you’d taught them something but you didn’t teach them anything.”

Not only does that “providing” come with negative side effects for fatherhood, but it also puts a strain or distance between your own personal self-care. But therapy, along with some close-knit quarantining, has given him a new lease on fatherhood.

“My therapy came through couple’s therapy, but it helped me understand I needed this place to voice issues I’d been having and had no idea how to deal with. It goes back to why men are more likely to commit suicide,” he said. “It’s a degree of selfishness that guys grow up with that allows them to be great, powerful human beings. But that same selfishness doesn’t allow you to share anything, which leads men to do something erratic or based off a problem they decided that’s too big to fix.”

As kids begin to grow and mature on their own, fathers slowly return to themselves, but therapy also showed Cedric that building a family empire still requires a solid foundation, even when the little ones leave the nest.

“Your relationships in those early years are all about building the corporation of your family, but as the kids grow up, you realize nobody’s in love. You can let that get so callus that you go into your own corners, but therapy has led me to ask a lot of questions about my attitude toward so many things.”

Cedric The Entertainer Tlog GIF by The Last O.G. on TBS - Find ...

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

According to Cedric, the generations of young Black men, many of whom were fatherless due to incarceration in the ’80s and ’90s, are now becoming fathers themselves after, in many cases, not having one. While racial disparity has become America’s number-one conversation today, prisons have been imprisoning Black men more than five times as much as white men, even ten-fold in a handful of states.

“They don’t have these tools of men to talk to and people who can lead them,” Cedric said. “We’re all a community, so we have to take our time and find out what’s broken. Just know you’re not individually the only one responsible for what happens to you. Go find a little help.”

Although many boys struggle to find consistency in father figures due to wealth inequality or toxic masculinity, the growing absence of successful dads, who may be inclined to give money or shiny objects in place of attention, started raising eyebrows in late 2016. As a result, teens in affluent areas with money and access to lethal substances started experiencing their own epidemic, which began with horse sedatives and quickly escalated to elephant tranquilizers.

It all goes to show, regardless of the reason, kids need their dads to do more than just show up. Whether you’re a dad right now or 10 years from now, what will you strive to be better at for your kids?

For the latest Man Enough episodes, go here.

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CBd3kQvJTgf/

Cover photo: gpointstudio (Envato Elements)

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Turning a Negative Into Your Motivation

Welcome to a new Man Enough segment that focuses on small shifts to your daily tiny habits that, in time, can result in massively positive changes. Whether you struggle to regularly work out or feel your vocabulary is lacking, or if there seems to be a tire around your waist from stress eating, or even if you’re just not overly excited about yourself at the moment, all it takes is the tiniest tweak of your daily routine to redirect yourself towards a more positive trajectory.

We begin with negativity, the all-consuming hate monster that follows us around like a shadow throughout the day (maybe even while we sleep). But while negativity can feel like a dark, weighty page in your story, it can actually be a good thing to have around if it’s processed in a positive way. Kind of like pasta.

Picture this: Negativity is your shadow. You know it’s there, which is good because you can easily spot it, but instead of looking at it as though it’s evil, maybe consider its potential.

If you’re busy guilting yourself for gaming or watching porn too much during quarantine — you know, the kind of where you max out your fingers and stumble out of it deathly dehydrated like you’ve been on a carnival ride all day — or if you’ve exhausting yourself with emotional eating (your muffin top has a muffin top) followed by the weighty dessert of body-shaming, you need to ask yourself: Does any of this really make me happy?

Perhaps, negativity is just what you need to refuel your fire.

After eight hours of gaming, do you feel good about yourself? You hate yourself a little, don’t you? It can create inner anger towards yourself. But that’s not all bad if that negativity is used as the spark to make a positive change, and it starts with tiny habits.

Our recent Man Enough guest, Jay Shetty, is a purpose coach and meditation master, but even he admits to gaming like a guilty guru during his stay at home. We’re all guilty of doing things we know we shouldn’t; that’s half the fun. But that doesn’t mean we should hate ourselves for it. Sometimes we do things purely because they’ve become part of our routine or a detail in the story we tell ourselves, but that can always be erased and replaced or just lightly edited.

Anger and other intense emotions bring with them an energy, even if it feels dirty, but you can channel that dirty energy and transform it by redirecting that anger towards making a positive change. Maybe instead of gaming eight hours, you game for one and then switch to something healthy. Again, tiny habits. Baby steps.

Make a game out of it. For every minute you game, do a pushup. So much of gaming is stereotyped as lazy, out-of-shape sloths, but some of the greatest minds game. If by the end of the game, you’re feeling a bit ripped, you will have used something that once created negative energy in you to make a positive impact. It’s all about discipline. Rewrite the stereotype. Look at Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance, he played head games with himself to take himself to another level. You can, too.

While everything is quiet in quarantine, we challenge you to reevaluate how you spend your time, a Marie Kondo of the soul if you will. Ask yourself if the activity — gaming, porn, midnight ice cream pints — is bringing you any actual joy or if you do it because there’s nothing else to do or it’s what you’ve always done.

Even healthy things are up for this debate.

If your hobbies, workout routines or even the people you were spending time with three months ago don’t make you feel good anymore, it’s time for a tweak. This is not to say you shouldn’t work out but do it in a way that’s exciting to you, something that stirs your enthusiasm. And don’t be afraid to pull from your past and do something that makes you look ridiculous if it tickles your brain or your heart inside.

Freshen things up, follow your curiosity and get excited about your life again. Rewrite the stereotype. There’s no better time than this very moment. And switch to dark chocolate; it’s healthy, dirty goodness in small doses. 

For the latest Man Enough episodes, go here.

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!