Roll the Dice and Transform Your Life (If Not Now, Then When?)

Everywhere you turn, people are struggling in the world. Out of work, low on food, terrified to get groceries, unable to squeeze a loved one, stuck inside with nothing but a binge box for four straight months, and perhaps it’s only just begun. So what are you going to do? How long are you going to complain about it before you do something about it?

Maybe that’s all not well and true, but perhaps we’ve spent enough time focusing on the bad news, which is nothing new at this point. The world is grieving — this is not to belittle that — but we have our marching orders. Put on the mask, practice safe distance and care for one another in the ways you can, but there has to be a turning point amidst all this chaos where our perspectives change for the better.

Yes, we’re low on income and food, but maybe we’ve been consuming too much and can learn to do more with less. Yes, it’s terrifying to go to a crowded grocery store, but maybe it’s time you supported the local market and small farmers who need help, too. Yes, we’ve run out of TV to binge on until sunrise, but maybe it’s time we got up at that hour and went for a walk while the summer sun is upon our faces. Things are tough — no doubt about it — but every passing moment is an opportunity to turn this rickety old boat around.

On a deeper level, as bad as things are, you have to believe there’s a more profound meaning for all this than just suffering. If we can’t see the forest for the trees, that is, if we’re too consumed by what’s wrong, we might miss how to get it right. Whatever or whomever you put your faith in, there’s a good chance a higher power — God, Allah, the universe — has in some strange way conceived a lesson buried deep within this travesty that can be mined with enough people getting their hands dirty and putting in the work.

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

Believe what you will, but there’s no denying the world has set you up for a slam dunk, if and when you’re ready for it. A reset button, if you will. Your friends and peer pressure has been removed, there are no sports to gamble with what little money you can spare, a window of opportunity, however smudged or cracked the glass may be, has presented itself, and the only certainty is uncertainty in every conceivable meaning of the word, as well as every facet of life. So wouldn’t now be the perfect time to roll the dice on yourself. If not now, then when?

Maybe you’re fresh out of college and there’s not a job for miles to pay your student loans. Maybe you were perfectly happy with your life but became complacent and quit working as hard as you once did, never finding new ways of doing things when the old ways work just fine. Maybe you fell out of love with your work, or maybe you got busy while you were making grand plans and ended up in deep doing something you never wanted. Maybe you always wished for a do-over, a chance to go back and get it right. Maybe this is it.

Wake Up Time

Again, maybe this doesn’t apply at all to you, and for that we empathize. Perhaps you’re one of the millions who can’t take a breath to think about transforming your life because you’re in up to your neck and desperate for a break. That’s a new kind of suffering in which we hope people who have the ability to help will learn in this time how to better be of service.

But (and we know it’s a big ‘but’), if you find yourself in the space with some time to waste, this is your chance to roll the dice and gamble on yourself for once. Before, it might’ve never felt safe to, but there’s some strange comfort in knowing nothing is guaranteed to be safe no matter who you are, where you are or what you do. The future is uncertain, but if you’re going to fail, you might as well do it spectacularly attempting to genuinely be yourself, or at the very least, being happy.

It’s wake-up time to make the changes that can transform a safe existence into an exciting experience. So grieve all you need to, then wake up with the sun, dust yourself off and clean yourself up then start to move in a direction you know to be true. And in the end, this terrible curse in human history might’ve strangely become a blessing in a very clever disguise.

It’s a brand new day. Let’s make the most of it.

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Are You Your Own Negative Fortune Teller? It Is Likely

We’re all guilty of playing the victim to our negative thoughts, but these days, it’s a crippling habit to be a negative fortune teller, especially if the fortune is yours and the forecast is constant rain clouds and thunderstorms.

Imagine sitting at your desk, eating some roasted almonds trying to get some sort of momentum going. First of all, imagine sitting at a desk in an office again! Crazy, right? You’re minding your own business, going about your workday when suddenly, your boss walks by. Now, normally, they might stop and ask you about your weekend, what you’re working on or why you’ve resorted to a diet purely of nuts, but on this particular day, they walk by without so much as a bit of eye contact or a simple ‘hello.’

We know what you’re thinking and we agree: Obviously, your boss hates you, you’re about to get fired, your girlfriend will quickly dump you, your toxic friends will call you a loser but not before reminding you you’re going to die alone, which will seamlessly lead to you being homeless and gathering what food you can from muster from a dumpster as you slowly wither way in the blistering cold, despite living in a fairly warm climate, wishing you had some of those almonds you took for granted to gnaw on.

OK, that actually does sound crazy. But it’s not far from the common tales we tell ourselves on a daily basis.

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

Negative fortune-telling is an unconscious interaction we have with ourselves, one that takes a tiny morsel of reality and expands it into a full-blown horror movie in our minds that we tell ourselves with unending sequel upon terrible sequel. Now, there should be some relief in reminding you that it’s only a movie, and there are no monsters under your bed, but the trouble with negative fortune-telling is that when you do it enough, some of the items from this little shop of horrors can manifest themselves into your life, which is why it needs to stop.

Negative thinking can rewire your brain in a bad way when you do it often enough, which means it’s imperative we override those with positive thoughts. But that sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? The best thing you can do is not let your mind run rampant in the first place, but how do we avoid that?

But just to be safe, let’s first break that scenario down.

Yes, maybe you do eat solely almonds to get you through too often, but the fact your boss didn’t stop to say hello could be caused by any number of reasons, most, if not all, unrelated to you and your nuts. Maybe they had a bad weekend, found out a loved one was ill, stubbed their toe in the kitchen while trying to make breakfast for their picky kids who, for some reason, want spaghetti at 7 AM. Maybe the business has been extra slow, they had too much wine with dinner last night and the fluorescent lights are making an unexpected hangover a bit worse, or maybe (just maybe) they discovered a weird fungus growing between their toes — probably athlete’s foot, easy fix — that they didn’t know was possible.

So how do we fix this (the negative thinking, not athlete’s foot)? Let’s see here…

Avoid Making It All About You (And Your Need to Be Liked)

One of the most common traits we share is our constant need to be liked. Exhibit A: social media.

When someone doesn’t praise our good work, notice our new shoes or even bother to acknowledge us, we take that as an offense and must get to the root as to why they hate our work, our style and our general existence. In reality, we’re just consumed with our neverending story, to which we have a beautifully-curated soundtrack we’ve worked very hard to keep updated. It’s not just on social media, it’s everywhere — the need to be seen.

By having a bit of empathy and realizing not everything that happens in this world is of direct consequence to the shoes we chose to wear today, we can move forward with a little less worry about the actions of others and even come out with a better understanding of what’s going on around us, rather than drifting through false oblivion. It makes us more attuned to the plight of others when we realize everyone has a story going on in their head and you are most definitely not the main character of theirs, nor are they the main character of yours.

But seriously, you have Fight Club soundtrack for, like every mood. What’s up with that?

Redirect That Anxious Energy

Most people would pay top dollar to have the kind of energy that gets wasted on needless thoughts and worry, bottled and sold like an energy drink without the need to pee every five minutes. But the funny part is you already have it in you. Maybe lay off the coffee, the ultimate illusion of energy, but otherwise, that superhuman strength is in you somewhere. And when you find it, you have to redirect it towards things that are important to you to keep it going.

What’s more important, doing rewarding work you’re proud of each day or figuring out if spending $300 on plaid loafers no one noticed was a poor judgment call or just all in your head? Not relatable? How about doing great work that makes you love who you are and what you do versus worrying all day if everyone else likes who you are? Because, fun fact, the more you like yourself, the less what others think matters and, yet, the more likely people are to appreciate someone with self-confidence.

Once you’ve decided how you want to use your mind and energy, you’ll feel space opening up for productive thoughts and you might even have some energy to bring those ideas to fruition. But if you live inside a constant fiction that has no end, you’ll find yourself living out some of those negative scenarios where you feel worthless or unworthy of anything good.

Tell Yourself Something Funny

When you catch yourself playing out these wild scenarios in your head, you can feel half-crazy. If that’s the case, we suggest having fun with our psychoses. If you’re going to tell yourself a story based on the unrelated actions of others, make it a short story (and make it humorous). Because most of our negative thoughts are unwanted traits we see in ourselves that we have to project onto others, but if the story becomes a comedy rather than a drama, it opens the door for levity and a bit of ridiculousness to snap you out of that hall of horrors.

If your boss failed to stop by your desk, it’s probably because they have a bad case of food poisoning that presented itself on the way to work, and the only receptacle available was a pair of $300 plaid loafers they were excited to show off that day.

See? Better already. Now you try.

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Are You Man Enough to Distance Yourself From Toxic Friends?

Never has it been easier to socially distance yourself from friends, even ones you sorely miss. But now is an important time to decide which toxic friends you need to distance yourself from, even after things return to normal (whatever that is).

There’s a saying that good friendship is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

The older we get, the more things change. And the more things change, the crazier the world seems to get. While in your own lockdown, social media might keep you well-aware of just how much negativity is out there, but without the right friends to steer you back to center, things can get hairy.

If push comes to shove, are you man enough to distance yourself from a life-long friendship? Because your long-term happiness and self-respect may depend on you answering correctly.

Why Is Sincerity Lost Among Men in Groups Bigger Than Two?

Every push has its pull. Oftentimes, when we find ourselves in a flow state — that natural goodness of feeling like exactly who we are while doing exactly what we’ve been put on this planet to do — we also feel something (or someone) pulling us back, even down.

Toxic friendships are tough, mostly because they probably weren’t always that way so you feel a need to hold onto them. When you’re young, friendship is easy. Most of who you spent time with was based on the street you grew up on or your love of baseball, girls and causing trouble. But the world is very different now, especially for young people. The older we get, the more friendships are challenged. And while some might be linked to your fondest memories, not everything gold can stay. So as your circle of friends moves into new territory — marriage, kids, grown-up stuff — you see one another making decisions that you might not agree with, which is OK, but when it creates a negative or hostile environment, it’s time to raise the red flag.

[Sidebar: If your friends are still creating a racist or sexist environment, it’s your responsibility to hold them accountable.]

We’ve recently established that sincerity is lost among men in groups bigger than two. Whether it’s a single toxic friend or several doesn’t matter; it only takes one rotten sheep to infect the whole flock.

If you’re heading in a new direction (a healthy direction) but feel held down by old friends — common symptoms may include: group judgment, name-calling, only showing up in times of crisis or with a good meme, belittling your achievements in order to keep you at their level, never bothering to call you in four months stuck home with nothing to do — now is the time to put a different kind of social distance — toxic distancing –between friends, a property line built to maintain the friendship but keep out toxic intruders.

You create healthy boundaries, lest that toxicity bleeds into our areas of your life.

Creating Boundaries

No one solution is the end-all for fixing relationships, which means you have to take a moment to look at what’s wrong. In short, the best thing you can do for a close, yet somewhat toxic friend, is to be there for them when they need you, and not much more than that until things change. A conversation, thoughtful and calm, might best relay some of the ideas, but not many friends want to confront one another.

But it’s 2020 and you’re feeling a little bolder every day, right?

Karamo Brown on Relationships: You Have to Start With Yourself First

If you have long-time friends you’ve known since grade school, high school or college who just don’t jive with the direction you’re heading now, it’s a simple as keeping to important events like their birthdays and group-specific events like engagements, weddings and the occasional get-together, where you can celebrate, have a laugh and leave when you’re ready.

There just isn’t room for toxic people every day of your life if you’re trying to find some peace at the end of each day.

One-on-one hangs are always a good way to go. Grow strong, sincere relationships by grabbing lunch with an old buddy, drinks with another, and have the older, fuddy-duddies over for game night before it’s time to put the kids to bed. Just don’t gossip and judge others when you do. Be fully present (no phone) and supportive in that short time you have with them. Even quick catch-ups on the phone (or video chats, especially now) are warranted.

When it’s just the two of you, they’re more likely to notice you’re not the same person you were in 1995 or 2010, and neither are they, hopefully. It’s OK if the 2020-versions of you don’t match up. They’re more likely to see why you’ve pulled away from the herd the deeper the conversation goes so maybe talk about more than the weather and quarantine.

You’ll start to see space opening up around you, which allows you to focus on moving forward with the right use of time with the right people. There’s no need to cut out friends or publicly shame (that’s what makes you into a toxic friend). It’d be easy to tell them to screw off, but that’s not the move here. The move is to be supportive as much as you can without sacrificing your happiness, or theirs. Stay in the pocket and move forward with grace.

Lastly, keep the days that are important to you for people who jive with your current direction. If they’re the right people, you’ll find yourself in that flow state more and more as you go. Life is good when you surround yourself with good people, and it’s always easier to get by with a little help from your friends.

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Why Is Sincerity Lost Among Men in Groups Bigger Than Two?

A heart-to-heart between two grown men seems about as rare as bears who nunchuck — it’s a thing but not a common one — mostly because of the unprecedented levels of vulnerability required from both sides. But why is it that all sincerity flies out the window the moment a third party enters the room?

No really, why is that? We have a few ideas.

Let’s say you have a friend you go way back with — we’re talking childhood buddies — someone with whom characteristics like honesty, trust and mutual respect are usually synonymous. You’ve born witness to each other’s most embarrassing moments, regretful haircuts and hardest lessons, yet you remain rocks for each other to lean on. When one of you has been dumped, goes broke, loses a loved one, the other is there to pick him up. We’ll go as far as to say you’d each help the other move (on a weekend, no less), completely voluntarily with zero incentive of beer and pizza at the end (although, we like to assume there will always be beer and pizza at the end). You’d take a bullet for the guy, and he’d do the same for you. It’s never said, but it’s common knowledge.

So when you two are rolling in the deep, mano-y-mano, about life, love and the pursuit of government support, what causes the conversation to go from open and honest to close-minded and offensive — the sweet to very sour — when just one more person, more often than not another man, enters the picture? Why is it that three’s a crowd that turns your closest pal into a guy more likely to give you a wedgy or spit in your cereal than show a sign of affection when it’s no longer just the two of you?

Let’s consider the reasons, three pillars behind insincerity and how to eradicate them.

Insecurity

It’s difficult for many men to articulate what they’re feeling. Perhaps no one in their lives has previously taken the time to open that space up, but it’s also likely most men aren’t comfortable being completely vulnerable with one another; men tend to share small bits of their feelings or keep it very surface-level. To be secure with your thoughts and feelings is to share them in their entirety, albeit with a bit of brevity to respect the listener’s time, so that someone can really understand exactly where you’re at and what you’re going through. Otherwise, what’s the point?

By showing weakness, you’re actually showing strength. That’s what it is to be man enough.

Sarcasm, similarly, is the language of the insecure, regardless if it’s intentional. It serves to convey an idea without the sincerity needed to make it effective. Instead, it comes off smug or glib and can be hard to tell if the feeling is meaningful or exactly the opposite.

To avoid insecurity, try honesty without a side of crass humor, then add a dash of eye contact. You may find it deliciously refreshing. Although satire is scientifically-proven to help change a person’s opinion or misguided beliefs, true sincerity involves eye contact and a genuine conveying of ideas. Think about it: When you talk to your buddies, are you looking them in the eye, or are you allowing sports, women, or an ice-cold beer to be that third party that takes away your focus and, thus, your sincerity?

Jealousy

When a friend opens up about major life opportunities, at work or at home, their need for your advice on the subject suddenly can become extra personal when you compare their upward trajectory to your own life’s direction. In a way, their need for your advice is its own form of insecurity, and that’s OK. Sharing this information with you is their attempt to overcome that. So while you may be excited to be helpful in that moment, it’s hard to not eventually make it about yourself later on. That comparison can breed jealousy which can then breed into bitter resentment wherein you’re not only not happy for someone you care about, now you’re eagerly awaiting them to fall.

Is it because you feel they’ll no longer need you or your advice? Any attempt to hold a friend down or keep them on your level is its own form of insanity, which is not uncommon, but certainly is not a recipe for a healthy friendship.

If you want to overcome jealousy, simply realize that another’s happiness doesn’t cost you a thing. There’s plenty to go around, especially when it’s a friend. Not everyone deserves the things they get, good or bad, but if you can’t be happy for someone close to you, who has worked hard to get where they are or has overcome massive obstacles and life changes to make it happen, that’s a red flag right there, friend.

Try to be more supportive. Support is cyclical and shouldn’t be a surprise if good support then finds its way back to you on your own path.

Hypocrisy

What does it mean to be a hypocrite of sincerity? This happens when you speak and listen sincerely in one conversation and then immediately repeat it as gossip in another conversation. When you do this, not only do you become untrustworthy with vaulted information, but you’re now using something intimate you’ve learned in order to make someone else look weak. The only thing worse is being supportive to a friend’s face in one moment and then throwing them under the bus in the next simply because another guy is around who might actually witness your kindness or respect for your friend. This, for some reason, makes you feel weak?

Because it really shouldn’t.

Hypocrisy amongst friends feels like walking through a door you know well, only to have it suddenly hit you from behind on your way out. The more you do it, the fewer people will trust your opinions or your ability to keep theirs. We’ve all been gossips at several points in time, but if that’s your default setting for where to go when you have nothing better to say, maybe just don’t say anything at all.

Keeping the Sincerity Coming

Anyone can tell you that a real friend is someone who supports you whether you’re present to defend yourself or not. A good friend will stand up for you when others bad-talk the decisions you make as if the decisions of one are suited for the rest. What worked for you at 25 might not be working at 35, and to have someone call you an “idiot” for trying to do better is no friend at all. A good friend would risk their own reputation to stand up for yours. As we get older, real friends and good men seem harder to find, so appreciate the ones you have and stand by them through thick and thin.

The next time you’re in a group of three or more and feel the air of sincerity go out of the room, keep in mind that not everyone necessarily has historically seen true sincerity that they can model nor have they necessarily gained the self-confidence they need to stay sincere (or even just kind) in their friend groups. The best thing you can do is be the first to pull it back in. If you’re persecuted for it, stay in the pocket and call it out. If it continues to happen, it’s OK to put a little distance between those people.

Because odds are they get it, and eventually they’ll come around (but maybe not). If they don’t, you keep it small and stay sincere while you enjoy all the pizza in the end.

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Coffee Can Create the Illusion of Energy, Maybe You Two Need Time Apart

Every coffee junkie has a shirt or mug that lets the world know how unable or unwilling they are at communicating effectively before they’ve had their morning fix. And from one coffee addict to another, I get it, but there’s something you should know about your morning pick-me-up friend: It’s slowing you down more than you think.

While it gives you that immediate boost to your morning, science also suggests that coffee doesn’t necessarily equal energy. In fact, the more regularly you consume it, the more it slows you down over time. So while you may feel spritely at first sip, you may become more easily sluggish, irritable and potentially manic. And if you’re crashing early, it might be because coffee plus anxious thoughts is a classic recipe for low productivity.

Happy Gut, Happy Mind

There are a great many things that affect our guts, not the least of which is what we routinely put into it. Coffee is one of those things that, left unchecked, can do a little damage. Too many cups each day, not enough food to go with it, what we add to it, all of these things are factors in a potentially uncomfortable situation within the bodies we have to live with each day.

In Emerman Mayer’s “Mind-Gut Connection,” he explains how what’s going on in our minds is actually connected to our bodies, specifically our gut area. When you’re happy and healthy, you feel good (or as good as can be). And when you’re sad or mad at yourself for, say, drinking a tanker-sized pot of coffee every morning on an empty stomach, knowing full well the danger of burning a hole in your gut, it’ll gladly let you know that, too. If it’s not by way of unnecessary thoughts, usually negative or anxious ones, in your brain, it will send messages to your gut in the form of strange throbbing, twisted knots and unplanned appendicitis paranoia (or an ulcer).

No More Sugars, You’re Sweet Enough

Your quarantine diet likely already has enough bread, ice cream or anything else that’s good at soaking up those tears so it’s probably alright if you go easy on the sugar, too. Plus sugar-free ice cream is plum gross. You know, maybe that’s it. Try a plum. Or any of the other great seasonal fruits and veggies at your fingertips. Just be sure to wash them beforehand. In fact, be sure to wash your hands while you at it.

While we’re on the topic of filth, go easy on unnecessary additives. Coffee is a natural gift to this world. If you cover it up with creamy half and half, boatloads of refined sugars and caramel glazes, how will you ever appreciate it? That’s not coffee, that’s a circus. Try drinking just coffee, black with a little raw sugar. You might notice a major difference, and if you don’t like it, then you don’t like coffee and you can find yourself something healthier to start your day, like tea.

Kicking the Habit, If Only For a Moment

Speaking of tea, it’s coffee’s great “tea-mmate.” Once you’ve had a cup, even two, of coffee to get your day started, switch to tea or, heaven forbid, water. Drinking coffee into the afternoon will do you no good. It won’t keep you flying high, but, in fact, you’re more likely to go down faster. The 3 PM-coffee crutch is more like a one-way ticket to Naptown.

Also grown of the earth, there’s more than just black and green tea. Actually, if you go down the rabbit hole, you’ll find some amazing varieties in the tea world (white jasmine, green hibiscus, classic oolong), some of which are a hell of a lot stronger than your average coffee, if caffeine is all you’re after. Maybe try Herbamate.

Our advice? Take a breather. It’s summer, coffee is a dehydrator and you’re likely in need of a break from incessant thoughts right about now. Even just a week off, and you’ll have a fuller appreciation for it, and your lowered tolerance might not require a horse trough of black gold just wake you up. But if you can’t do that, there’s always cold brew, which is arguably much stronger.

This is not to say give it up. We love coffee. It has many redeeming qualities, including allowing us to have conversations we otherwise couldn’t in the morning or helping us deal with the endless rollercoaster of life and a full email inbox. But this is to say put some space between the two of you for a minute, learn to miss it more than five hours and come back with a bit of gratitude.

You may notice your cup is full when you do.

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Creativity Can Be a Catapult That Gets You From Depression to Self-Worth

Depression may be there for you, but so is creativity. Let it take you places.

Continue reading

Big Man, Tiny Habits: Baby-Stepping Your Way to a Solid Routine

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful.

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Karamo Brown on Relationship Communication: You Have to Start With Yourself First

Cover image: Tasia Wells 

In the latest episode of Man Enough, the heart of Queer Eye Karamo Brown goes deep on relationship communication with his fiancé, Ian Jordan, alongside Justin Baldoni and his lovely wife, Emily in our first ever couple’s edition. The good-partner gospel according to Karamo is that, regardless of the kind of relationship, a successful one always starts in the same place: with you.

Yes, there’s a “me” in “team,” but let’s agree narcissism isn’t a great jumping-off point in a relationship. A sense of self, be it our own wants and needs, or our perceived shortcomings and reasons for being in a relationship in the first place, is the foundation from which we build upon. So before you go putting the cart before the horse (or perhaps your disinfected groceries before the Prius), consider getting an introspective makeover from Karamo, the guy with the magic eye for relationships.

Anyone who has seen new episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix (and we feel sorry for you if you haven’t) knows that the show has grown in its ability to reach the muscle-bound, traditionally toxic lost souls of men, as well as women, not just in their outer appearance (along with cooking skills and home aesthetic) but in undoing the inner knots and smoothing out the inner turmoil, whether they’ve been living under a rock or just going to the wrong parties. That’s where Karamo, our personal mental health Zamboni, comes in.

What many don’t know is Karamo practiced as a licensed social worker and psychotherapist for more than a decade before making it “big” in entertainment. All that in addition to being a kid’s book author, musician, podcaster and skincare line guru, Karamo clearly has a firm grasp on what’s working for him, which means he probably has a good grasp on what might work for you, but more importantly, what might not. He joined a team of LGBTQ non-actors in a show whose mission is to revamp struggling folks from top to bottom, inside and out (sound familiar?). So yeah, we feel safe with taking his advice. Plus, who would challenge a man with such a high-caliber beard?

I Can’t Breathe: 3 Simple Words Every Man Can Relate To

Amongst other great nuggets about relationship communication in his talk with the Baldoni’s, like taking on one (and only one) issue at a time, Karamo’s understanding that it takes a strong foundation to build an empire. That empire is your family, your work, your everything, but the foundation is simply you.

It sounds simple, and it’s been said before, but there is no use in being in a relationship if you don’t love yourself for who you are, how you spend your time and what you do with your life. Once you’re happy with the direction you’re going and love the way you move in this world, that’s when it’s good to find someone to dance with. Otherwise, just keep dancing like your dad drunk at a wedding reception well past the appropriate time to go home.

So many people get married in their 20s, which is fine if they’re happy on their own and understand what they want for themselves. But keep in mind: Being young is unpredictable. And finding what you want early on without considering options and learning from endless embarrassments makes truly knowing yourself early on more difficult. You want to be a strong foundation for yourself and the others in your life, which means you have to grow and mature through life lessons. The 25-year-old version of yourself might look pretty troubled up against the 35-year-old you (or maybe the other way around), but the point is to find your center, know your goals, have some role models, preferably ones who haven’t been outed for sexual aggression or systemic racism, and learn to love yourself.

From there, it gets much easier to let the right kind of love in.

Karamo

Superhero Grant Gustin Is ‘Man Enough’ to Go to Therapy, Are You?

Communication is everything in a relationship. Simple as that.

Nobody is reading minds, which means if you have a problem with yourself or the relationship itself, you have to be confident enough to vocalize that. Sometimes it takes many failed relationships, unnecessary squabbles and a few late-night shouting matches that trouble the neighbors to learn, but once you understand that simple idea, it can make a world of difference. Literally, your world will change.

Whether quarantine pandemic or not, we are constantly mourning losses, be it professionally or personally, and we as men must be vulnerable enough to open that side of ourselves, which invites in more openness from others around us, lest we stuff it down deep next to the midnight pizza binges and excessive amounts of wine, ice cream and porn to make ourselves feel better. Ever notice how when you share something dark and deep that others feel more comfortable to try and top you? You’d be amazed what you can learn from people you’ve known for a lifetime.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want (And That’s a Good Thing)

The best thing you can do is say, “Hey, got a minute?” knowing full well you aren’t going to get everything you want. And you shouldn’t.

Getting everything you want in a relationship implies the other side doesn’t, and whatever hurts the other side, in the long run, hurts the whole team. And this is a team sport, make no mistake about that. Healthy relationships are all about balance, and communication is the vehicle to get you there, be it that fancy, fully-stocked Prius or some lemon you drive because you’re busy saving for fewer, better things.

So get to talking (you got somewhere better to be?) From there, it’s all uphill (or downhill, whichever one is easier). Because if you think keeping it to yourself will keep everything together, think again.

And if you need more help on communicating to yourself or your partner, check out new episodes of Queer Eye and let Karamo take the wheel for a few. You know it’s great to watch even if you’re not gay, right? Good, just checking. Because you are, as we all know, man enough.

Check out Karamo’s children’s book I Am Perfectly Designed and his skincare line Mantl for more great Karamo goodness.

For more Man Enough episodes, go here. 

Then be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Remember tag us in your most “man enough” moments!

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Cedric the Entertainer on Fatherhood Myths: Successful Dad Doesn’t Mean Great Dad

In our latest Man Enough episode, one of the “Original Kings of Comedy,” Cedric Entertainer, joined Grant Gustin and Justin Baldoni in his “COVID casual” robe to drop a bit of fatherly wisdom and dispel a few myths surrounding what makes a good dad.

“Being a guy who was raised in a single-parent household, I’m from that generation where the man makes the money,” Cedric said. “But that was my way of taking care of the family. As long as you do that, you did your job. Now that my kids are teenagers, I’ve come to realize that I was a very distant father to my own kids, and it hurts when you realize you don’t know your children the way you should.”

While quarantine has proven a useful opportunity for some fathers to spend quality time at home, it’s been just as big of a reality for the things many dads don’t have to handle while they’re busy earning outside. With more than 30 years as “the entertainer,” including two projects (a biopic Son of the South and comedy, Poor Greg Drowning) on the COVID backburner, Cedric has had plenty of time to take a fatherly inventory.

“My father was around, I just wouldn’t give him his credit. You can be there and let them know you’re there if they need anything, but you’re not engaged. It’s interesting to recognize that I’m not the father I thought I was,” he said. “I take great pride in my kids being my kids because I’m their dad. Sometimes you project an image of yourself, but when things slow down, you can see you let someone else do a lot of the work. You have no excuses when you don’t have to be anywhere.”

More ‘Man Enough’: Superhero Grant Gustin Is Man Enough to Go to Therapy, Are You?

Photo: Netflix

Cedric the Engager

Whereas fathers of older generations just wanted to put food on the table, the new generations are faced with the task of trying to pave their own paths, run their own businesses or work multiple jobs to have the same effect today. And that kind of commitment can make fatherhood nearly impossible, which is why so many families rely on others for help in raising kids, which enables that distance to grow between fathers and their sons or daughters.

“It’s a practice of newer generation dads to be more engaged. The old architects of man say you have to be strong and you have to be a leader of your family and can’t show weakness. My father wasn’t really “there” so I kind of made up being a dad what I thought it should be,” he said. “I was providing, but not necessarily caring.”

Cedric is nothing if not owning his past mistakes, claiming he used to be the dad who told his son to “man up” when he would cry, but he strives to be better now.

“Maybe you thought you’d taught them something but you didn’t teach them anything.”

Not only does that “providing” come with negative side effects for fatherhood, but it also puts a strain or distance between your own personal self-care. But therapy, along with some close-knit quarantining, has given him a new lease on fatherhood.

“My therapy came through couple’s therapy, but it helped me understand I needed this place to voice issues I’d been having and had no idea how to deal with. It goes back to why men are more likely to commit suicide,” he said. “It’s a degree of selfishness that guys grow up with that allows them to be great, powerful human beings. But that same selfishness doesn’t allow you to share anything, which leads men to do something erratic or based off a problem they decided that’s too big to fix.”

As kids begin to grow and mature on their own, fathers slowly return to themselves, but therapy also showed Cedric that building a family empire still requires a solid foundation, even when the little ones leave the nest.

“Your relationships in those early years are all about building the corporation of your family, but as the kids grow up, you realize nobody’s in love. You can let that get so callus that you go into your own corners, but therapy has led me to ask a lot of questions about my attitude toward so many things.”

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Rich Dad, Poor Dad

According to Cedric, the generations of young Black men, many of whom were fatherless due to incarceration in the ’80s and ’90s, are now becoming fathers themselves after, in many cases, not having one. While racial disparity has become America’s number-one conversation today, prisons have been imprisoning Black men more than five times as much as white men, even ten-fold in a handful of states.

“They don’t have these tools of men to talk to and people who can lead them,” Cedric said. “We’re all a community, so we have to take our time and find out what’s broken. Just know you’re not individually the only one responsible for what happens to you. Go find a little help.”

Although many boys struggle to find consistency in father figures due to wealth inequality or toxic masculinity, the growing absence of successful dads, who may be inclined to give money or shiny objects in place of attention, started raising eyebrows in late 2016. As a result, teens in affluent areas with money and access to lethal substances started experiencing their own epidemic, which began with horse sedatives and quickly escalated to elephant tranquilizers.

It all goes to show, regardless of the reason, kids need their dads to do more than just show up. Whether you’re a dad right now or 10 years from now, what will you strive to be better at for your kids?

For the latest Man Enough episodes, go here.

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